Parents and children

Parents and children

I was on my way to a meeting when a friend of mine called to say that she had read my blog entry and wanted to suggest that I should write about how difficult it is for us as parents to find the right school for our kids and then we have to face the next challenge – how much should we push our kids to study and learn? Furthermore, if we have two kids, can we raise them identically even if they are totally different while at the same time not causing them to feel any kind of unfairness?

I think if we are being totally honest with ourselves, it is worth mentioning the following:

  • it made our hair stand on end when our parents thought that they knew everything better…
  • we are inclined to forget the fact that in our childhood, there were those “magic comments” that lead us to shut our ears and from that point on, whatever our parents said was totally irrelevant ...
  • we were fed up with running from one extracurricular lesson to the next and we envied those classmates who were brave enough to party all weekend long ...
  • we didn’t like it when we were compared with our siblings, not only at school but at home as well, in fact…

Then let’s turn it around! Let’s look at the world as if it were upside down…:o)

  • Even though we are parents, we too can make mistakes and in this case, we must also be able to apologize.
  • If we utter these above mentioned “magic comments”, let’s remember that we can do it differently. We don’t have to follow the model that we ourselves despised.
  • After a full week of racing with clock, we do not feel like working all weekend either...
  • Each child has his/her own personality – with different tasks, challenges, abilities and capabilities. Let me give you an example – theoretically, we think that we have given birth to an apple (since it doesn’t fall far from the tree :o))) However, in the end it turns out that, although it is a fruit, it’s actually a pear and in my case, there is a peach as well. :o))

Do you see the difference yet? They are the same yet, different…:o)

Let’s continue from there. What does a conscious parent do in these situations?

When it becomes known what a child is really like, a conscious parent can face the otherwise obvious fact :o) that his/her child is not his/her clone. It is a natural reaction to become a little bit sad and disappointed. In this case, I would definitely suggest we have a serious talk with ourselves – would we like to raise ourselves? What are we truly afraid of – ourselves, our child, or the lifelong, unknown challenges?

Slowly we admit to ourselves that our child is a separate person with his/her own personality and associated will. It will manifest itself beautifully at the age of 6-7 and then in the teenage years.

Then, when the first magic comment, that we hated so much as teens, come out of our own mouths, feel free to sit down in the evening and drink a nice glass of wine. And, I kindly ask you to reminisce about those adventures and situations that lead your own parents to make those comments. Remember! And think back to what you promised, in that moment, never to do!? “Once I have a child, I will never…!” Now it’s here! It’s time to do things differently.

In such cases, we could use an astroscope of our children as well, which shows us the kind of energy system and driving forces they were born with and how their internal world develops. This map will help us navigate and give us bases for how to best support them on their own path to be able to achieve a full, healthy and happy life.

If you have any further questions or decide to get an astroscope, please do not hesitate to contact me!

A dear friend of mine called me regarding my two previous blog entries and we talked about the question of how it is possible, for example, to raise two kids in the same way, while at the same time differently in a way that they don’t feel any unfairness under any circumstances?

In the literature, experts talk a lot about how we can pass on the basic values to our kids during their first years of life. In my case, I spent all of my time with my kids until they learned to talk. At that time, others could also easily understand their communications. I found the teenage years to be a similarly critical phase and I was happy that life gave me the opportunity to be with them and to be able to answer all of their questions personally.

Those who are past this phased can agree with me that a child’s strongest abilities and capabilities become apparent at the beginning of adolescence. You probably remember well having to make the decision to put aside the question of our own convenience and accept that although our children have got the same upbringing, they have different abilities and capabilities and therefore we have to look for different schools after elementary school, at the latest… and thus starts a seemingly never ending frenzy.

… and in the meantime, we are continuously juggling – even with Christmas gifts, we must take care not to let any child feel that the other has received a more or better or precious gift.

And yes, we make mistakes in the process, but just so that we can correct them and show that we too are infallible. The most important thing is to set an example that we are willing to do our best, but there is always the possibility to do things differently, to choose a different, a better path!:o)

After my last blog entry, the question arose in some of you as to whether or not we or I knew what the best path was for our or my children? My answer to this question will surely be surprising – I didn’t necessarily know at the time. Whether or not the chosen path was truly better, will only be revealed approximately 20 years after birth. Just among us, I wouldn’t wish the adolescence that I had to endure, on my worst enemy. But I am really happy with the end result. :o)

However, until we get to this point – even if it sounds strange – we often have to listen to our gut instinct.

I found and still find two things to be crucial – one of them is love and the other is attention. In his book “Soul Gnawers” Péter Popper says that just because a someone is the mother or father of a child doesn’t mean that he/she has to love them.

For me this meant and to this day means that:

  • it is not enough to love, but you have to do something for your child’s love.
  • it is not enough to love the child, we have to teach him/her to accept that love and to show love to others.
  • this love will help us get through the most difficult days of lives. (Believe me – if we look back on their adolescence, well...we had enough…:o)).
  • if I love my child, I am able to pay attention to him/her.
  • if I pay attention to him/her, I can understand what he/she is desires even without words.
  • if I pay attention to him/her, he/she will pay attention to me.

Last but not least – it will surely sound unbelievable, but – while our kids are searching for their boundaries and limits, they are expecting us to show them to them, in a loving way!

In this way we create for them the harmonic future of a well-balanced man and/or woman!

Chin up people! Based on my own experience, it is nothing other than the board game “who laughs last?” in which the main aspect is patience. It is a great challenge in the hectic world of the 21st century, isn’t it?